komunikasi. just for the fuck of it.

If my face could lie, at least not my tears.

My body never feel strong lately since sickness come and go like 'ingus'!
Kesal.Last night I must be looked so damn tired and annoyed of getting
irritating sickness till my lover only could stare and offered to have a
late dinner. It's always been interesting and exciting to see how different
he is than the-guy-i-thought-he-was before when we first met. It's really
really wonderful everytime he's doing something that totally not-him-at-all
if you know what I mean. Shit, I'm madly in love again!:D

Really weird that I don't miss my family though I kinda miss my lil sista.
Whether I'm still into living all alone euphoria at the moment or I just turned out
to be an individualist bitch! hehehhe! But I do love to be with them sometimes
this month before Ramadhan. Missing eating and get dressed before go to
mosque and such:)

I never make wishes over you, you are my wishes.

Reading several old emails with a good friend of mine made me realized that
I never actually could stay in one place for too long kinda a person. I have to move,I have to...or I die. Even if I have to get up again or fixing some mistakes that I've done, I still prefer doing it while I'm moving. Yes, maybe that's how I appreciate my life and my self, by keep moving. I seize every day with thousands of things to feel, do and touch with my fingers, with my heart. I don't compromise with age and time so far because to me they will always be there anyway, no matter how hard I move on with my life. No matter how many times I break down on my knees just to heal from pain and the cruelty of humans and life itself. Life goes on and so am I:)

Breath is breath...

When was the last time you see someone straight into their eyes?

It takes almost a year and two lovers for that girl to realize that she never been actually happy being with soulmate before.those six months in tears, another six months in long distance, and more six months in denial. what a relationship!

When she sees her lover now, she realized that she's been doing everything that she's done with her soulmate before...but the different is, this time she's in a full happiness. even when she doesn't actually ever believe in such a thing, she never feel happier in her life for so long. she loves him for never quiet understand her heart, for reading her so well and for being what he is in the most beautiful person
she has ever been with. she sees thing so different now and so does her lover. And well, may be there is no such a thing called soulmate either....but there is something called temporary happiness:)

(a piece of a torn diary)

I love my sisters. They rocks! The second one is always been my most trusted strength in my life and the third one is always been my only true support in my house now. So bloody lucky to have you both, girls! Muach!

This must be one of the most laziest Ramadhan of mine in I don't know how many years. It feels pretty good, but still pretty weird since I live all alone and doing all the ritulas by myself. Beautiful still, as beautiful as every Ramadhan I have ever experienced so far and this time I let all those hatred and pain go for awhile and leaving me in a serene tranquility of soul...though lately I also feel that my body is never been so well either, still I believe every day in Ramadhan has its special message to those who doing it.

And for you guys that keep sending me sms while I couldn't answer them...my apology ya! :D

Chasing after anger.

I always feel a bit confused surrounded by drunk people,
no matter how close I am with them and relax our situation is.
I just don't know how to react towards their words,body language
and feelings. I just don't. And since I never been in their position,
and maybe never will either...I usually stay quiet or give some
proper reactions but not too lose. Even if some of asking question
like,

Is there any possibility that we could be boyfriend and girlfriend?

Geez, are they serious? I mean, they were so drunk that I don't dare
to see them in their eyes and answer that question. Yet seeing another good looking guy which is totally not drunk and asked this question to me,

Why? Do you want to have an affair with me?

Is definitely make my night! Seriously. Suddenly I feel soo tired, and sad at the same
time. Realing how many hearts will be broken and how much will be wasted no matter how pure and huge there are...tonight this line is maybe is the best one to describe my feelings:

Love is sucks.

If I die tomorrow morning, I just want you to know that you make me die happy.
Thank you:)

(a late night sms to a lover)

Kosong,sendu,tapi lega.sakit hati,tapi bahagia.
i've done nothing's wrong to others.that's the
part making me happy!

(an after midnight sms from a buddy)

My mommy rocks!
She paid some visits to several houses for orphanages,
street kids,disabled people, and other kinds of that kind
near her house last weekend. She wrote a pretty interesting
report on her visit to look for supports for her next activity
to collect some donations for those houses. And
now I'm smiling big trying to write her a casual
proposal about the whole concept of activity.
Take a bow to you, Mommy!

Went to a big gig at The University of Pancasila
last night and met lots of friends there! Lots of them
and of course buy some interesting things from those
lapakans. Perform? Shit, I start to lose interest on it
lately and I just realized it tonight.Hmm...
Maybe what's my guitarist said about me were right
after all:)

A long phone call from Booby Boy that gives me an
interesting yet chill feeling towards some people around
us lately. This could be serious, or not..but well, just
be very careful, allright gals?

Loosing my red jacket this morning on the way to the
office and I swear I should have really, really upset
last night. But I didn't! Weird. I tend to be really,
really relax about loosing things and opportunities
in my life lately that I know if those happens several
years ago, I will be really restless for days over them.
Why ya?

Cinta itu ada, begitu juga yang namanya Percaya.
Dan saya memilih hidup dengan keduanya ada di
dalam diri saya hingga saya mati. Any problem with that?

Maybe..

Maybe because he never there when all those chaotic pain happened to her life that
made him could create a beautiful picture of happiness for her lately. Maybe he just happened to do most of his things in life with his brain rather than his heart that made him won't pushed thing too far for his lover now. Maybe because he never quiet understand the concept of a Soulmate or even Marriage therefore he just cherish the one that he's being with at the moment in the best way he possibly could. Maybe because he never promised anything to his lover beyond his control and reality therefore he seemed to always surprised her with lots of firm and wonderful support in life. Maybe because he see a love relationship as simple as a process in life just like any other processes.Maybe because he never interested in the concept of being with one person only before, till he meet his lover now.

Or maybe, his lover is just a baby that needs a strong warm hands to hold on to when he came that day and give his little heart to her to play with...

Maybe.

Since there's no certainty in life, right?:)

Atas nama apapun itu, lelaki ini tampaknya tak tertarik untuk menyakiti kekasihnya.

Kesenangan?
Kepuasan?
Kebutuhan?
Ego?
Kebiasaan?

Tidak perlu.

Dan kekasihnya hanya mampu mendekapnya sedikit terlalu erat malam itu...

How could I not love you?

Kamu datang saat kembaranmu mengguratkan benci yang setengah mati ingin kamu sembuhkan lukanya hingga amis darah dan lebam tusukannya sama sekali tak terdeteksi oleh radar hati siapapun.

Kamu datang saat kembaranmu menghancurkan kehidupanku dan aku baru mulai akan menamai episode hidupku yang baru dengan judul, Redefining Hate.

Kamu datang saat kembaranmu meluluh lantakan cintaku atas nama kebahagiaannya yang ternyata tak pernah sama sekali tentang kebahagiaanku juga di dalamnya.

Kamu datang saat kepercayaan mulai lagi ada artinya, dan kelembutan bukanlah sebuah kelemahan...

Dan kamu masih akan bertanya bagaimana aku bisa jatuh sayang padamu secepat ini?

Dasar kembar!

(buat main air dan makan coklat sambil membebat erat cinta,kebohongan dan hidup)

Meredam gerah, bukan amarah.

Suddenly got an sms from one of my favorite writer.
He seemed pretty humble and quiet, reading from his words and the way he expresses his feelings.A soft enthusiasm over my media that made us promise to meet sometime soon to explore them. Awesome!

Another sudden meeting with an ex-bestfriend in high school just left me in another exhaustion of mind since I was surrounded by many people, some friends, and an unnecessary news about some people from the past. God, i must be being such a jerk to him last night. But then so what? I know him well enough to know why he came to me at the first place after turned me down on our previous meeting.

I wonder how come gay boys are so damn beautiful! Damn beautiful, Man! They smeel so good, dressed so neat,act sooo funny and fun yet firm on what they want.At least last night I couldn't keep my eyes out of them at all. The way they flirt,dance and talk is so damn cute but full of naughty passion among them that I never find in any other circle of people before.They love taking pictures, being manja manja dan pelukan with each other, showing off their lovers or latest fling that feels so openly fair and left no competition what so ever about being gay like they said in a mainstream media. I love gay boys! I swear;)

The film called Hush.It's about a gay couple having a conflict of one of them being asked to give his sperm to this lonely gilr whose dying for having a child of her own but without necessarily getting married to anyone.Ha!
The most beautiful moment are seeing the three of them could finally being able to live together despite all the differences and characters among them but they have create a new family of their own. And this kind of family concept actually has been explored by some of my friends too. The concept of several people living together under one roof without having a blood relationship or any other relationship accepts maybe friendship and understanding that they all could live together and building their own home.

Especially in a big city in Jakarta where everybody feels so individualist and busy with their own lives, this kind of concept might work since they could find a red line among themselves after being separated by their real family or homeland, and other caused also.

Well, at least this concept has been in my head for several months now and I could imagined living in a house full of women and girls with different characters and interests but we create a beautiful home together:)

Nama itu.

Datang lagi malam ini lewat sebuah percakapan di dunia maya dengan seorang perempuan hangat hebat belia yang hidup dengan kebencian. dia bilang sebaiknya jangan suka memendam semuanya sendirian.sering sering bercerita dan berbagi.percayalah, dia peduli.dia masih sangat peduli dengan semua yang kamu lakukan terlebih lagi kekasih kamu sekarang.dia memang seperti itu. saya tahu itu.

(lalu aku ingin bertanya apakah malam ini nama itu bahagia dengan kehidupan barunya?)

kamu lembut dan mengagung agungkan cinta,sehingga saat kejadian itu menimpa kamu membuat kamu baru bisa menerima ada yang namanya Benci. sedangkan saya hidup dengan kebencian, katanya lagi dengan tawa. saya cinta kamu, katanya lagi. nikah yuk?

(dan aku merasakan nyeri luar biasa di seluruh bagian kepalaku...)

Ini untuk kamu.

lelaki yang tak ada cela terasa
diantara jiwanya.tak ada prasangka
terukir di hatinya.tak ada salah tertatah
di telapak tangannya.tak ada yang mestinya
disakiti.tak malam itu.tak hari ini.

mungkin itulah karenanya matanya tak
lagi bisa ku tatap dengan berani.senyumnya
tak lagi mau ku beri senyuman jawaban.uluran
cintanya tak lagi ku biarkan lebih panjang dari
yang sebenarnya.aku merasa tak lagi layak
menerimanya.sedikit atau banyak.nyata atau maya.
hanya tak layak semata.

tak semestinya cinta jadi selalu jadi luka.
tak perlu masa lalu tak kunjung membeku.
biru dimana mana, kelu dimana mana.
malu pun sudah tak lagi berbau...

ini untuk kamu.yang walaupun tak sedetikpun
ada sesal, tapi mungkin tak mestinya ada awal..

terimakasih.

Dyke: Do you feel arouse seeing woman naked?
Gal : Nope!
Dyke: Do you feel arouse seeing man naked?
Gal : Not really.
Dyke: Do you feel arouse seeing your boyfriend naked?
Gal : Definitely:D

(an imaginary conversation on the afternoon)

But is it really that simple to justify someone's sexual orientation? I don't think so. Really. Since I have been more and more involved on this wonderful queer community in Jakarta, I really feel like I'm sexually challenged. Not only by the environment, but also by the whole system in this country even my religion.

Why is it something as personal as that become everyone's business? Why is it they care not only about whether do they believe in God or not but also whether they're straight or not? That's amazingly doesn't make sense. So being straight and believe in God will put you in a safe and sound position on this country? Seemed so lately to me.

I never questioned about those two on people not because I don't want them to ask those questions back to me but merely I believe because they're personal. Sex is personal, and so does God. and yes, I'm straight and believe in God.

But just because a person is gay and doesn't believe in God that doesn't make them less human than others. A good person is a good person, period. And if we believe that everyone is different and we don't like being seen as similar to others, then why we have to treat them
differently either?

Homosexuals are caused by environment, genes, and of course God! Aint that being called The Creator will justify his act as just having fun with his creations?Therefore He's just let them get all the consequences of being what they are and seeing whose survived whose not?

Ah,some game...

Annoyingly happy weekend!

The gay art discussion on Saturday went really, really nice.
It's so much better than the previous media indie workshop that I had last month. Though it's not packed but everyone seemed to be able to share their feelings and thoughts on the topic with anyway they want and we all just listened and tell our opinions towards it.Just wonderful.

Afterwards, I went home and get ready for the gig at Bulungan. It's kinda rain and wet near my house so that I start to be really, really reluctant to go but I promised to meet some friends there...boom! The area were packed!
So many people but not seemed to be more to go inside the gig but just hang out around the entrance gate.

After about thirty minutes I decide to put my red mat at the left side on the entrance gate and put my things there.
Never thought it would so nice that night in Bulungan. I sat exactly under this one big yellow street light with a cold wind and something yellowish from trees near it falling all over me and my friends there. Beautiful. Really.
Meeting some old friends, seeing some old memorable faces, experienced some interesting happenings with people which came to my lapakan (gelaran) includes those smiling stares;)

Went home almost two in the morning with Booby Boy that end up spending the night at my house since we're going to our friends place for lunch in the afternoon. Gossping over some gals after we fell asleep and woke up realizing that the electricity is down! Fuck. So I have to sleep in the darkness that night after a long ride all over town with Booby Boy....ffuih,zzzz...zzzz...zzzz....missing my lover in one of the most tiring nights in a whole week:)

That's my weekend where my all my office mates going to Bali for free and I ain't regret any single thing of it either..

Gini deh ya!

Gue nggak merasa konser yang loe bikin itu tentang kepedulian sama perempuan, tapi itu cuma sebuah konser biasa yang kebetulan aja band bandnya kebanyakan isinya perempuan. itu aja.( and yes, girls DO sell! I still believe that after sex;)

Jadi saat loe bilang kalo loe pengen ngasi tau sama cewek cewek bawah tanah tentang apa yang MESTI mereka lawan, atau tentang bagaimana MELAWAN-nya juga dengan cara membuat konser itu....loe medingan ke laut aja. karena sebuah diskusi tentang kekerasan terhadap perempuan yang diselenggarakan oleh sebuah LSM perempuan dan dibuat secara gratisan sekalipun di sebuah konser yang bandnya banyak perempuan, gue yakin nggak bakalan bisa mengajarkan semua itu. Wanna bet? karena hidup adalah melawan, dan perempuan untuk menjadi dirinya sendiri pun lebih sering sudah merupakan perlawanan karena lingkungan dan dunia yang amat menomorsatukan laki laki seperti sekarang ini.

lagian gimana caranya loe bisa berharap cewek cewek bawah tanah bisa melawan dengan caranya sendiri dengan membuat sebuah konser dengan tiket seharga Rp 15 ribu, yang band bandnya dibayar nggak sama dan diskusi serta pemutaran film gratisan tentang perempuan dimana loe mengharapkan cewek cewek hardline-nya (istilah loe ya!) ikutan diskusi...semua cewek mestinya loe harapkan ikutan dong ah! Heheeh!

dan nggak perlu minta maaf sama gue karena acara loe nggak cukup UG kayak yang loe bilang (walaupun gue yakin maksud loe DIY mungkin;) karena gue nggak peduli mau acara loe UG nggak UG apa enggak, selama loe nggak menjadikan KEPEDULIAN PEREMPUAN loe itu cuman sebagai TEMPELAN aja, Sayang!

anyway, seneng juga akhirnya konser kayak begitu ada yang bikin walaupun memang nggak seperti yang gue bayangin....good luck ya! Good luck juga buat cewek loe dan perusahaannya yang sudah menanam banyak dana untuk acara ini:)

-I'm not underground enough, never been and never will!-

Exhaustedly in love..

with my new house.with my lover.with my friends.
with my parents.with my sisters.with my enemies.
with my life and myself of course:)

i never thought i could get this much of a support
from my parents and my lover for this new house.
it's really cute hearing my mom asked something like,
'do you missed me?'

when I went home last friday for giving my body
enough good air and long sleep since it's been pretty
difficult to get those two things in my new house. but it's start to feel so unease without you stuff and your own bed, so I went back to my house on saturday morning. got together with a buddy and my boyf before we went to this gig and meet up some friends there. and this is one of the conversation that happened there:

a long hair gal: do you think I have the capacity to annoy other gal on this scene just because I'm not that friendly with them?

a short hair gal: yes, you do.

a long hair gal: fine, but I never even said a word to them! how could they possibly hate me that much?

a short hair gal: well, because you just being you, maybe. don't worry, girls are rarely like other girls anyway, right?

it's amazing just to sit in the room where all those posters being put but not that many, while raining hard outside the house...suddenly tukang soto ayam passed by and he bought a bowl of it and we continue talked about our plans with the house, the distro and the library. it's amazing how he staring at me that way since he told me 'I don't have a heart. Even if I do, it will be too small and I already put it in your heart...'

Start to hate hard rain because my jemuran nggak pernah kering malah basah kuyup!:(

God exists inside a great film, a good book and you're lovers' eyes-V

Maybe God sent him into my life with one task.To teach me not there IS such a thing called Hate and there is no way I could live with this life without learning to accept it. In other words, to accept him in my life till the day I die.

Still trying so hard to be able to pray again like before since this whole new house and physical exhaustion really wear me out...you are still there for me, right Baby? :)

Calling my little sister last night that seemed so happy and smart as always. Is is weird without me around anymore there? Nope, she said. Hahahaha!

Living without TV at all turned out to be not much of a big deal to me. Not only because I hate ads and television, since I could tell you how addictive those two but I need more music in my life rather than pictures plus audio. I play my sound system more than five hours every day! Heheeh!

Several new zines mock-up coming and I almost THIS CLOSE to print the fourth edition of my zine. Yay!

Having a discussion about marriage with this beautiful guy and it's just weird how he make it sounds like it's about money and 'man's business only'. Really. I mean, I do know that marriage needs money, but aint that also involving two persons in it? Then how come he could be stuck in a position of not having enough money since several years ago when he asked his girlfriend to marry him? What happened with sharing pain, problems and struggling together if that's what they want? Hmm...

Anyone knows how much is Jiffest's ticket price this year?