komunikasi. just for the fuck of it.

Have you ever try to listen to someone's
heart but you hear nothing but your own
heartbeat instead?

That's what happened to me last night.
I just listen to his voice and my own, talking
and talking for hours about thousand of
interesting things but my own heartbeat
is still what I hear even when he finally said
those words. (And yes, he even admit that
he was wondering whether I'll marry him or
not!).

The thing is, he's being another person that
admiting to fall in love with me without knowing
me more than what I believe he should. So that he
could convince me that he DOES want me.
Not the other girl that he used to date but
now with someone else, or those ideal girl
he always has inside his head and trousers.

See? I'm a pretty difficult person to convince
when it comes to Love and Heart. Why?
Because I don't need WORDS, I don't want
another long conversation about Love on
the phone or with sms in the middle of the
day till noon. I want THE REAL THING.

And I know what it takes to KNOW me and
finally could fall for me. No, I'm not playing
hard to get here, but if you have been falling
and have to get up again so many times in
sore all over you, you'll understand what
I mean.

Show me that, let me feel that, and please
don't lie to me...because it hurts like hell.
That's all.

Is it too much to ask?

Buat kamu yang bernama Cinta,
Kamu memang tidak pergi kemanapun,
kamu akan selalu ada di bagian terdalamku sekalipun,
bahkan saat aku tertidur dan terbangun...

Tapi beberapa hari ini kamu terasa begitu jauh
dan sulit sekali untuk direngkuh,
dicecap oleh lidah,
apalagi didekap erat dalam kedua lengan ini...

Dia datang dengan riuh rendah tawa
dan lirak lirik sarat makna tentang diri kita...
tidak ada rencana, tidak ada yang mesti terluka.
kita hanya hingar bingar berdua..aku dan dia.

Aku sekali lagi terseret arus penuh sensasi
masuk dalam dunia yang baru....miliknya, milikku...
dan kita ciptakan dunia kita berdua beberapa hari ini
tanpa berniat membuatnya lebih lama atau lebih singkat,
biarkan semuanya berjalan apa adanya...

Aku aman dengannya karena tak tahu kenapa
aku begitu yakin aku tidak akan jatuh cinta padanya,
dia tidak akan jatuh hati padaku.
Makanya hubungan kita bisa sebegini serunya...

Namun aku mulai meragukan apakah kamu akan mengerti
arti hubungan ini buatku, seperti aku tidak pernah
mengerti mengapa kamu sebegitu tertutupnya dengan
nama kamu pada mereka mereka yang bertanya siapa
kekasihku sebenarnya?

(hari ketiga melukis pelangi dan menggambar bidadari...)

-my twin's diary today-

benci menemaniku sejak februari,
tak mau pergi,
dan hanya menghilang sesekali...
(an sms from a friend)

I used to hate Hate. That's not for me.
That's what I keep telling myself until
my own bestfriend betray me to death
and left me cold till today...But the question
remain the same, Do I still hate Hate?

No, I love Hate. It's colour myself better than before
when all I know is just Love and nothing else.
I love Hate even when it goes beyond my senses
and go straight in my dreams sometimes.
I love Hate that I will keep it inside me till the day I die.

Besides, how am I going to appreciate Love by not
knowing and feeling Hate?

Jealousy.I often believe that I never actually
understand this feeling. Yes, I feel it sometimes but still I could
not really understand how many people seemed to be so...apa ya?
Obsessed with it.

I am the kind of person who believes that there is no human being
could own others, meaning that if that person belongs to you so that
he or she will always come back no matter what happened or how
many people trying to make he or she going away from you.

And yes, I do feel an extreme jealousy once in my life that it's even
amazed myself that time, on how much I love this person and how
hard it is to be taken away from him...unfortunately the rest of the
story is too bloody fuckin' painful that I prefer not to remember
those moments today.

I always laughing everytime my boyfriends told me they're jealous
over my friends, because to me it sounds so cute and adorable!
Rather than seeing it as something sweet, I prefer to take it as a
ridicilously sexy way in showing how much they love me. And don't
ask me how jealous I can be, okey?

Just don't:)

So many people told me how much they love me today,
but they don't know how much I love you.

And yes, I love many people too
and yet I don't know how much I love you.

Fuck You
seriously
I've put a lot in
and deserve at least
more than being brushed off
when I point out the truth
you clearly don't see any value
in anything I've ever offered you
and all I wanted was some honesty in return

So drink juice and smash the state - now that's the real thing!

Just because we are beggars doesn't mean that we cannot be choosers.